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WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY Wednesday, July 2
Miles Jelfs of Bristol, England, sought financial help in April to cover surgery for his unlucky tortoise, Cedric, whose prolapsed penis (likely from a mating mishap) drags on the ground, partially erect. Democrat & Chronicle, Rochester, 4-9-2014; …
HIPPO CAMPUS Wednesday, July 23
The African hippopotamus is not found in South America — except for an estimated 50 or so that, confusingly to natives, roam the Colombian countryside from Bogota to Medellin. The beasts are the progeny of four smuggled in 30 years ago by cocaine …
AT CAMP NOKITOFFMA Wednesday, July 2
Several "professional organizers" in New York City told a New York Post reporter in May that this summer is way busier than years past for clients who need help packing their kids' trunks for summer camp. One consultant, who charges $250 an hour, …
PAYBACK'S A BITCH Wednesday, July 23
A former city official in Ridgewood, New Jersey, pleaded guilty in July to stealing nearly 2 million quarters collected from parking meters — his crime went unnoticed for two years. Under a plea deal, Thomas Rica will likely be spared jail, …
FINE POINTS OF THE LAW Wednesday, July 2
Paul Stenstrom, 62, lived comfortably in his Palm Harbor, Florida, home from 2002-'14 without paying a penny of his $1,836 monthly mortgage bill, exploiting federal bankruptcy law that forces foreclosing creditors to back off once a debtor files for …
INSIDE JOB Wednesday, July 23
In July, New York City prosecutors accused a former pharmacist at Mount Sinai Beth Israel hospital of stealing nearly 200,000 oxycodone-strength pain pills over five years, despite his increasingly far-fetched explanations. Anthony D'Alessandro even …
SCIENTISTS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN Wednesday, July 2
Bioengineers who work with Dictyostelium slime molds held the Dicty World Race in Boston in May for a $5,000 prize and intellectual adulation at the annual International Dictyostelium Conference in Potsdam, Germany, in August. The molds oozed down …
SEND IN THE LAWYER Wednesday, July 23
British lawyer Gary Stocker, 30, was headed to
FIRST-WORLD PRODUCTS Wednesday, July 2
Daneson (an Ontario "purveyor of fine toothpicks") recently introduced $35.99 "Artisanal Toothpicks" (that's per dozen, in "Single Malt" and other exotic flavors) for the discriminating dental raker. The lemon-flavored picks are a bargain at only …
WAIT … WHAT? Wednesday, July 23
Kimberly Williams, 46, was convicted in April in Will County, Illinois, of beating dominatrix Theresa Washington with a baseball bat. Williams admitted to the judge she'd hired Washington, but only because she wanted a "slave" to take pictures of …
 
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