What Should Men Do If They Are Victims of Domestic Violence?

Don’t worry, fellas. Uncle Wes is here to help.


Ladies know what to do when men beat them
 up. There are hotlines to call, counselors on hold, handy pre-printed brochures and a sympathetic, mostly female Florida State Attorney's Office ready to kick some ass. There's even a safe house in which to hide during the abuser's prosecution. (Alas, this lovely refuge is located a few blocks from me in ever-cheerful Police Zone 1. At least the women there can drift off each night secure in the knowledge that the hoodlums on all sides are interested in killing each other and not them, which must be a great comfort.)

But what happens when a woman starts pounding you, guys? What do you do when the yelling advances to in-your-face screaming — and then out comes the crockery, with the rolling pin and the skillet close behind? Maybe she'll grab a butcher knife or a gun. Need I remind you what infuriated women can do with scissors?

And to make matters worse, women in this 
condition, like the Hindu goddess Kali, often seem to have eight arms, so while they're whaling on you, they're simultaneously stomping your iPad, chopping the Xbox, and launching your jeans, jackets, jock straps and NBA-licensed sneakers through the window. Worse yet, one of those Kali-like arms will have a cellphone that has already dialed that three-digit number. The po-po are on their way — and they're not coming for her.

As I said, ladies have an infrastructure in place to help them. But men? You poor bastards. All you've got is me. Listen up, because Uncle Wes knows what to do:

• Shut the fuck up. You cannot win arguments with out-of-control people, and you certainly can't win arguments with cops.

• Turn around, exit through the door, keep walking — not a word. Once outside, do not run. This makes you easy for cops to spot. Do not drive your car. Why? Cars have colors, makes, models and license plate numbers and are easy to track because they're located where the cops are, on the streets. A friend can retrieve your car later as well as any stuff the street jits and the rain spared.

• Get to a store, restaurant, bar or public building where you can sit down, cool off and consider your options. Have a cold, non-alcoholic beverage. You need all neurons firing.

• Call a friend to pick you up.

• Do not call the woman. You're likely to get a cop. Don't leave messages on the answering machine; those are evidence. Ditto angry Facebook postings, emails, tweets and cyber-bleats of all kinds. They're just more evidence that can never be erased.

• Don't go back to her house. Neighbors will testify against you. If she's in a gated community, the gate system will record your entries and exits accurately to the second and perhaps video-record them.

• If she swears out a complaint, and especially if she lies, convinces her friends and family to corroborate her lies, or cuts herself or smacks her head to create colorful wounds, the po-po will come for you. Nothing you can do about it.

• Break out your cop card, which of course you've been keeping in your wallet. What's that? Our back issues are lining the bird cage? No worries. Simply go to and download it again. No computer? No problem. When the inevitable knock comes, just say these words: "Officer, my legal name is ________. My attorney's name is ________. He/she will speak for me in this matter." Gently close the door.

You cannot, repeat cannot, withstand interrogation. No one outside the justice system is familiar with the code words that constitute an indirect confession. Here's an example that comes up all the time:

"Buddy, I know you didn't hit her much because she doesn't have a mark on her."

If you reply, "Yeah," congratulations! You've just confessed to assault and battery! You're gonna get jugged at 500 East Liberty, then dumped downstate for a year or so. Bye-bye job, home, kids, education, savings account.

Assuming you're a decent guy and not a woman-beating lowlife, ponder this: If a woman is willing to lie to get you arrested, she's obviously lost that lovin' feeling. What's left is just Mr. and Ms. Fuzzy wanting a workout. That you can get handled elsewhere.

You can't win arguments with women who hate you, or with cops who arrest you. So be smart, leave quickly, let an attorney do the talking and stay free. That's winning enough,

In Crime City.

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