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FOLIO DIGITAL

The Power Meter

POWER UP: Curry's Budget Proposal

Whether you feel the Lenny Curry’s recent attempts at purging potential opponents from high ranking board positions is business as usual for a party boss, or not, on Monday, Sept. 14, the new city council approved the Mayor’s $1.1 billion budget, and did so unanimously.

NEXT: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here >>>   More

PLAYING AROUND

LEAD ACTRESSES POWER ALHAMBRA'S '9 TO 5: MUSICAL'

Sometimes, you show up, punch the clock and deliver an amazing performance.

Your boss might be a sexist pig stuck in the ‘70s. Or, a crew member working the soundboard might be slow in flipping on your mic.

Either way, the conditions aren’t perfect.

But you’re a star in 9 to 5: The Musical, you’ve brought your A-Game — despite some technical snafus — and (memo to Alhambra Theatre & Dining ownership) you deserve a raise.

Actresses Kelsey Denae, Zoe Kassay and Juliana Davis carry this production, which opens with an ensemble rendition of the country tune made famous in the 1980 Dolly Parton flick of the same name.

Parton, who wrote the music and lyrics for the musical adaptation of the film, narrates the play.

Channeling her inner Dolly, Kassay saunters on stage as Doralee and belts out her first line. Did I mention her mic wasn’t on until three seconds in? We wouldn’t blame her if she’s thinking “You had ONE job!”

If it seems I’m harping on that technical gaffe a bit much, you should know that a friend of mine who saw an earlier performance of the show recounted the same problem happening to a different actor at the start of her show.

In addition to the mic glitch, the background music blared too loud in parts and the sound quality of the show in general could be improved.

Short story: These stars deserve better.

Kassay embodies big-time Texas charm as Doralee, and Denae wows as Judy (played by Jane Fonda in the film). Denae, who has played Fantine in a production of Les Miserables elsewhere, can expect the comparisons to Anne Hathaway in terms of looks and voice to keep coming.

It’s Denae’s Judy who leads us through this musical adaptation of the comedy about sexist workplace culture set in the late ‘70s. It’s her first day at her first job ever after her cheating husband left her for his secretary. Judy bursts into …   More

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUN-ISHMENT

After months of planning, solving of logistical conundrums, and calling on many, many favors, Folio Weekly is prepared to bring you a festival featuring music, art, comedy, and beer like no other. In preparation for this event under the Fuller Warren Bridge in Riverside, not only did we work hard to earn buy-in from the local arts community, more importantly (for any festival, really), we came up with an epic name for our event. Unfortunately, having a pun game that is so ridiculously #onfleek has its dark side. On Friday, Folio Weekly was contacted by folks representing a much larger, much more capitalized festival that takes place in a rural southern location which also features music, art, and comedy and, interestingly enough, happens to have a name that rhymes with the name we chose for our festival.

Huh. Who would’ve thought?

So, just the way Peyton Manning showed us during all those years assaulting our hometown Jags, we’re calling an audible at the line of scrimmage. In order to avoid confusing attendees we've come up with a new name for our event:

Our festival will be known henceforth as FolioFest (alliteration game #onfleek).

FolioFest is still taking place on Sunday, Sept. 27 under the Fuller Warren Bridge. FolioFest will have music from big time local acts LPT, Fjord Explorer, The Daygos, and Tomboi. It will still feature live painting from Shaun Thurston and performance art by Liz Gibson. You can still buy tickets to drink more than 60 different craft beers. And most importantly, it will still be free to attend.

Furthermore, it’s Best of Jax Week! On Wednesday, Sept. 23 we released part I of our annual readers’ poll – which is essentially an uninhibited Public Display of Affection for Northeast Florida. FolioFest will be a celebration of all our readers and the winners they voted the “Best of Jax”.

See you there,

Matthew B. Shaw

Editor

Get your tickets here: FolioFest

    More

EAR WORM

"Cello...is it me you're looking for? No? Well, okay then."

REGARDLESS -- IN CELEBRATION OF ACCLAIMED CELLIST YO-YO MA'S UPCOMING JAN. 14, 2016 PERFORMANCE AT THE AMELIA ISLAND CHAMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL, FOLIO WEEKLY OFFERS YOU FIVE CUTS OF CELLO TITILLATION.

TOM PETTY AND THE HEART BREAKERS "DON'T COME AROUND HERE NO MORE"

THE BEATLES "ELEANOR RIGBY"

BLACK SHEEP "THE CHOICE IS YOURS"

NIRVANA "ALL APOLOGIES"

LOU REED "STREET HASSLE"

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FOLIO DIGITAL

18 Fans You Will Definitely See at Every Jags Game

1. True Colors

It doesn’t matter who the Jags are playing, they’re rocking that Detroit Lions’ jersey.

2. The Creature from the Bud Zone

Who cares where your seats are when you can watch the game on TV in the Bud Zone?

3. Gator Nationalist

The sun is orange and the sky is blue but any decent God would be sick of Gator fans, too.

4. Selfie Promotor

Mission in life: Getting their Instagram on the world’s largest jumbotron.

5. The Hologram

Season ticketholder you haven’t seen in three years (hint: check the Bud Zone).

6. Football Britannica

Eerily encyclopedic knowledge of every game the Jags have ever played. Personality of a reference book.

7. The Supernaturalist

Accurately calls Jags offensive plays before they happen. 12 years old.

8. Killa

Looks mostly normal, appropriately cheers and boos. Watches the crowd like a serial killer on a scouting trip.

9. Deci-mator

So loud. Just so, so loud.

10. Slur Words (not to be confused with Sherwood’s Bar on San Marco which, incidentally, is where you can find them most nights)

Why not start tailgating at 6:30 in the morning? Because vurping then swallowing is gross.

11. Nappy Time

Every section has a sleeper. They could probably use a diaper change. And maybe a stomach pump.

12. The Networker

Corporate tickets, business casual, drinks buckets of Diet Pepsi. Does not know the score at any point in the game.

13. Seat Poacher

Snags empty seats like it’s a stadium-wide game of musical chairs. Looks offended when you tell them it’s your seat.

14. Jag-a-belle

Hot, hot, hottie. Fake tan, stilettos, false eyelashes, animal print, sequins. Smells like a bouquet took a shit.

15. Over-the-Hill Hottie

Same as above but 20+ years older. Skin like a Fendi bag.

16. Happy Fan

Away-team …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

FIVE (PLUS) WAYS TO REBRAND HISTORY

St. Augustine has just wrapped up six days of cheers and jeers in recognition of its 450th year arguing with the Isle of Eight Flags (that’s Fernandina Beach, boys and girls) over who called dibs first. For the record, European honkies settled the Isle in 1562, so we’re going with our northerly neighbors on this one. (453 > 450).

Unhappily, St. Aug’s 450th did not lack drama. Apparently Native Americans have not gotten over the teensy matters of genocide, enslavement and betrayal by Pedro Menéndez de Avilés and his merry band of Spanish settlers and African slaves (“Resist 450,” Folio Weekly, Sept. 2).

But we’re not going to let that stop us from having a good time, are we, boys and girls? Hellz no. This situation calls for the Spin Dr.! (Not to be confused with Spin Doctors, a flash-in-the-pan early ’90s band who today wishes they could get a gig playing “Little Miss Can’t be Wrong” on the second and fourth Wednesdays at Joe’s Crab Shack.)

Spin Dr. is a dark magic magi who performs such public relations miracles as divorcing Jared from Subway from our mental impression of the foot-long spicy Italian; who convinced the nation that President Jimmy Carter was a cotton-headed fool for advocating energy efficiency (Get well, Mr. Carter! We know you’re no fool); who named the Civil War, then renamed it the War of Northern Aggression after South Carolina hired her.

To round out your understanding of Spin Dr.’s capabilities, here’s a rundown of projects she’s working on:

1. The Trail of Tears

Sounds so dark and depressing. Refer to it instead as “first and largest group to attempt ambitious walk across country.”

a. ??Possible product placement opportunity?? Reach out to fashion houses and shoemakers ASAP

2. Japanese Internment

At first blush, innocuous — who doesn’t like interns, am I right? *high five* …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

The Power Meter

POWER DOWN: TIM TEBOW

Though he is widely considered to be the missing link in the Jacksonville Jaguars quest to gain relevance (win/loss record be damned), the former Northeast Florida prep star, Heisman trophy winner, and God’s chosen signal caller was unable to secure a supporting role in Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles offense, which was virtually invented for his brand of play.

NEXT: ONE CITY, ONE (LENNY CURRY APPOINTED) JACKSONVILLE >>>   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

Five Future City Council Moratoriums

On Tuesday, Aug. 18, Jacksonville City Council's Land Use and Zoning committee approved the moratorium on Charlotte's Web, banning the cultivation and sale of the non-intoxicating strain of cannabis sativa. Apparently, seizure medication for epileptic children is the latest casualty of the local drug war.

During a discussion about the location of dispensaries, one councilperson even made a stunning you-missed-the-point statement, likening them to methadone clinics.

“They throw these things out there and they’re faulty assumptions and it’s hard to get away from them,” said one attendant.

With this in mind, here are a few ideas about future City Council moratoriums that are guaranteed to spread peace, prosperity and sobriety throughout Duval County.

1. WAYNE WOOD

Clearly the Woodster has an intoxicating effect on everything he touches. Consider the Riverside Arts Market: No way can organic vegetables alone make Jacksonvillians so jubilant. And with Wood’s help, Hemming Park has morphed from a den of denizens with dubious drives into a fairyland of sitar players, cleverly named food trucks and business casual. It’s not just the homeless anymore — these days, everyone who frequents Hemming Park is obviously high on something.

2. PALM TREE FRUIT

Every year, the city’s jelly palms shed masses of orange-colored fruit, which then ferment into piles of drugs for squirrels and birds. Why do you think local Canada geese refuse to migrate? And it goes without saying that drunk squirrels are an absolute menace to society. An absolute menace.

3. HALF-GALLON GROWLERS

So what if the Florida Legislature leapt off its laurels and passed a measure that could have no better name than “No Brainer”? Everyone knows craft beer can be safely consumed only in the privacy of one’s own home from either gallon or quart-sized containers. Public health and safety erodes every time …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

HARPY’S INDEX: DUVAL COUNTY ELECTION EDITION

Elbridge Gerry might have refused to sign the United States Constitution, but the nation’s fifth vice president managed to leave a lasting mark on American politics as the namesake of Congresswoman Corrine Brown’s favorite pastime: gerrymandering.

OxfordDictionaries.com defines “gerrymander” thusly: to “manipulate the boundaries of (an electoral constituency) so as to favor one party or class.”

Packing is another tool in the redistricting arsenal in which racial and/or political groups are crammed into a few districts where they have a supermajority, diluting their influence in others.

But why shouldn’t districts be gerrymandered and packed? So what if it taints the outcome of elections, erodes faith in the political process, and maintains the status quo when the electorate desperately wants change? Nobody likes losing their job! And there are so few job openings for soulless shills. Have some compassion — politicians are (probably) people too.

In the interests of informing the electorate and being as entertaining as Larry Wilmore, who has recently nudged ahead of Jimmy Kimmel in the race to be named Dullest Late Night Host of All Time, our number-cruncher has sliced and diced statistics from the Supervisor of Elections’ August District Demographic Analysis and the May 2015 General Election.

If you don’t like what you read, your vote probably doesn’t matter anyway.

1. There are currently 23,721 more registered Democrats than Republicans in Duval County.

2. 3,821 more Democrats than Republicans voted in the May election.

3. If every single ballot cast by voters registered as No Party Affiliation or Other were for Republican candidates, Republicans would have captured 55 percent of the votes.

4. Jacksonville’s City Council is 63 percent Republican. Of 19 members, 12 are Republicans, seven Democrats.

5. 48.5 percent of the Democrats in Duval County live in five …   More

EAR WORM

SAD MONDAY!!!

 

TIM BUCKLEY!

JONI MITCHELL!

JOHN CALE!

CLARENCE "FROGMAN" HENRY!

BLACK FLAG!

  More