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EAR WORM

"Cello...is it me you're looking for? No? Well, okay then."

REGARDLESS -- IN CELEBRATION OF ACCLAIMED CELLIST YO-YO MA'S UPCOMING JAN. 14, 2016 PERFORMANCE AT THE AMELIA ISLAND CHAMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL, FOLIO WEEKLY OFFERS YOU FIVE CUTS OF CELLO TITILLATION.

TOM PETTY AND THE HEART BREAKERS "DON'T COME AROUND HERE NO MORE"

THE BEATLES "ELEANOR RIGBY"

BLACK SHEEP "THE CHOICE IS YOURS"

NIRVANA "ALL APOLOGIES"

LOU REED "STREET HASSLE"

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FOLIO DIGITAL

18 Fans You Will Definitely See at Every Jags Game

1. True Colors

It doesn’t matter who the Jags are playing, they’re rocking that Detroit Lions’ jersey.

2. The Creature from the Bud Zone

Who cares where your seats are when you can watch the game on TV in the Bud Zone?

3. Gator Nationalist

The sun is orange and the sky is blue but any decent God would be sick of Gator fans, too.

4. Selfie Promotor

Mission in life: Getting their Instagram on the world’s largest jumbotron.

5. The Hologram

Season ticketholder you haven’t seen in three years (hint: check the Bud Zone).

6. Football Britannica

Eerily encyclopedic knowledge of every game the Jags have ever played. Personality of a reference book.

7. The Supernaturalist

Accurately calls Jags offensive plays before they happen. 12 years old.

8. Killa

Looks mostly normal, appropriately cheers and boos. Watches the crowd like a serial killer on a scouting trip.

9. Deci-mator

So loud. Just so, so loud.

10. Slur Words (not to be confused with Sherwood’s Bar on San Marco which, incidentally, is where you can find them most nights)

Why not start tailgating at 6:30 in the morning? Because vurping then swallowing is gross.

11. Nappy Time

Every section has a sleeper. They could probably use a diaper change. And maybe a stomach pump.

12. The Networker

Corporate tickets, business casual, drinks buckets of Diet Pepsi. Does not know the score at any point in the game.

13. Seat Poacher

Snags empty seats like it’s a stadium-wide game of musical chairs. Looks offended when you tell them it’s your seat.

14. Jag-a-belle

Hot, hot, hottie. Fake tan, stilettos, false eyelashes, animal print, sequins. Smells like a bouquet took a shit.

15. Over-the-Hill Hottie

Same as above but 20+ years older. Skin like a Fendi bag.

16. Happy Fan

Away-team …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

FIVE (PLUS) WAYS TO REBRAND HISTORY

St. Augustine has just wrapped up six days of cheers and jeers in recognition of its 450th year arguing with the Isle of Eight Flags (that’s Fernandina Beach, boys and girls) over who called dibs first. For the record, European honkies settled the Isle in 1562, so we’re going with our northerly neighbors on this one. (453 > 450).

Unhappily, St. Aug’s 450th did not lack drama. Apparently Native Americans have not gotten over the teensy matters of genocide, enslavement and betrayal by Pedro Menéndez de Avilés and his merry band of Spanish settlers and African slaves (“Resist 450,” Folio Weekly, Sept. 2).

But we’re not going to let that stop us from having a good time, are we, boys and girls? Hellz no. This situation calls for the Spin Dr.! (Not to be confused with Spin Doctors, a flash-in-the-pan early ’90s band who today wishes they could get a gig playing “Little Miss Can’t be Wrong” on the second and fourth Wednesdays at Joe’s Crab Shack.)

Spin Dr. is a dark magic magi who performs such public relations miracles as divorcing Jared from Subway from our mental impression of the foot-long spicy Italian; who convinced the nation that President Jimmy Carter was a cotton-headed fool for advocating energy efficiency (Get well, Mr. Carter! We know you’re no fool); who named the Civil War, then renamed it the War of Northern Aggression after South Carolina hired her.

To round out your understanding of Spin Dr.’s capabilities, here’s a rundown of projects she’s working on:

1. The Trail of Tears

Sounds so dark and depressing. Refer to it instead as “first and largest group to attempt ambitious walk across country.”

a. ??Possible product placement opportunity?? Reach out to fashion houses and shoemakers ASAP

2. Japanese Internment

At first blush, innocuous — who doesn’t like interns, am I right? *high five* …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

The Power Meter

POWER DOWN: TIM TEBOW

Though he is widely considered to be the missing link in the Jacksonville Jaguars quest to gain relevance (win/loss record be damned), the former Northeast Florida prep star, Heisman trophy winner, and God’s chosen signal caller was unable to secure a supporting role in Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles offense, which was virtually invented for his brand of play.

NEXT: ONE CITY, ONE (LENNY CURRY APPOINTED) JACKSONVILLE >>>   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

Five Future City Council Moratoriums

On Tuesday, Aug. 18, Jacksonville City Council's Land Use and Zoning committee approved the moratorium on Charlotte's Web, banning the cultivation and sale of the non-intoxicating strain of cannabis sativa. Apparently, seizure medication for epileptic children is the latest casualty of the local drug war.

During a discussion about the location of dispensaries, one councilperson even made a stunning you-missed-the-point statement, likening them to methadone clinics.

“They throw these things out there and they’re faulty assumptions and it’s hard to get away from them,” said one attendant.

With this in mind, here are a few ideas about future City Council moratoriums that are guaranteed to spread peace, prosperity and sobriety throughout Duval County.

1. WAYNE WOOD

Clearly the Woodster has an intoxicating effect on everything he touches. Consider the Riverside Arts Market: No way can organic vegetables alone make Jacksonvillians so jubilant. And with Wood’s help, Hemming Park has morphed from a den of denizens with dubious drives into a fairyland of sitar players, cleverly named food trucks and business casual. It’s not just the homeless anymore — these days, everyone who frequents Hemming Park is obviously high on something.

2. PALM TREE FRUIT

Every year, the city’s jelly palms shed masses of orange-colored fruit, which then ferment into piles of drugs for squirrels and birds. Why do you think local Canada geese refuse to migrate? And it goes without saying that drunk squirrels are an absolute menace to society. An absolute menace.

3. HALF-GALLON GROWLERS

So what if the Florida Legislature leapt off its laurels and passed a measure that could have no better name than “No Brainer”? Everyone knows craft beer can be safely consumed only in the privacy of one’s own home from either gallon or quart-sized containers. Public health and safety erodes every time …   More

FOLIO DIGITAL

HARPY’S INDEX: DUVAL COUNTY ELECTION EDITION

Elbridge Gerry might have refused to sign the United States Constitution, but the nation’s fifth vice president managed to leave a lasting mark on American politics as the namesake of Congresswoman Corrine Brown’s favorite pastime: gerrymandering.

OxfordDictionaries.com defines “gerrymander” thusly: to “manipulate the boundaries of (an electoral constituency) so as to favor one party or class.”

Packing is another tool in the redistricting arsenal in which racial and/or political groups are crammed into a few districts where they have a supermajority, diluting their influence in others.

But why shouldn’t districts be gerrymandered and packed? So what if it taints the outcome of elections, erodes faith in the political process, and maintains the status quo when the electorate desperately wants change? Nobody likes losing their job! And there are so few job openings for soulless shills. Have some compassion — politicians are (probably) people too.

In the interests of informing the electorate and being as entertaining as Larry Wilmore, who has recently nudged ahead of Jimmy Kimmel in the race to be named Dullest Late Night Host of All Time, our number-cruncher has sliced and diced statistics from the Supervisor of Elections’ August District Demographic Analysis and the May 2015 General Election.

If you don’t like what you read, your vote probably doesn’t matter anyway.

1. There are currently 23,721 more registered Democrats than Republicans in Duval County.

2. 3,821 more Democrats than Republicans voted in the May election.

3. If every single ballot cast by voters registered as No Party Affiliation or Other were for Republican candidates, Republicans would have captured 55 percent of the votes.

4. Jacksonville’s City Council is 63 percent Republican. Of 19 members, 12 are Republicans, seven Democrats.

5. 48.5 percent of the Democrats in Duval County live in five …   More

EAR WORM

SAD MONDAY!!!

 

TIM BUCKLEY!

JONI MITCHELL!

JOHN CALE!

CLARENCE "FROGMAN" HENRY!

BLACK FLAG!

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EAR WORM

DAWSON’S CREEK MIX!

 

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA

 

GOO GOO DOLLS

CREED

 

GETO BOYS

BOREDOMS

 

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5 BETTER WAYS TO SPEND 589 DAYS

On August 3 our frenemies at the The Florida TImes Union revealed that Jerome Maurice Hayes spent 589 days in Duval County Jail for three crimes, in spite of the facts that he had pretty solid alibis for two, passed a polygraph test and repeatedly, somewhat reluctantly, told Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office detectives that his look-alike/sound-alike brother, Jermaurice Hayes, was the perpetrator.

That’s not tunnel vision, folks, it’s blindness. Makes you wonder precisely how much evidence JSO needs to admit that someone isn’t guilty.

The charges against Jerome were later dropped and he was finally released on October 17, 2014. That it took 589 days to accomplish this routine feat of legal maneuvering proves that many public defenders are keen on living up to the standard set by their boss Matt Shirk, who one former coworker describes as “exceedingly mediocre.”

To put Jerome Hayes’ experience in perspective, here is a list of things he might have done instead of spending 589 days in jail:

1. Walk across the United States three times. Several dedicated bipeds (read: whackjobs) have taken it upon themselves to find out that it takes approximately 6 months to walk 3,300 miles coast-to-coast. Wouldn’t you rather walk 9,900 miles than spend 589 days in jail?

2. Whistle “Dixie” 1,017,792 times. There are 50,889,600 seconds in 589 days, and according to this YouTube video of a redneck who filmed himself playing “I Wish I Was in Dixie” on a recorder for God only knows what purpose, it takes 50 seconds to whistle the beloved (racist) anthem of the Confederacy.

3. Complete Nineteen “30 Day” Fitness Challenges. Such as the Thirty Day Ab Challenge, Thirty Day Push Up Challenge, Thirty Day Beach Body Challenge, Thirty Day Toenail Sharpening Challenge (JK!), etc. Just think of how ripped Jerome Hayes would have been after 589 days. He’d even have nineteen days …   More

PLAYING AROUND

JOSH WALLER AND LINDSAY CURRY SHINE IN SUPERIOR 'CLYBOURNE PARK'

The nomadic 5 & Dime is pressing us out of our comfort zone again on a subject many Americans try to bury and ignore — race.

In April, Al Letson’s John Coffey Refuses to Save the World reminded us how popular stories skew our views with imaginary, magical Negroes. Now, director Rick De Spain and company unleash the Pulitzer and Tony award-winning Clybourne Park, which hits close to home on white privilege, institutional racism and the pursuit of the American Dream.

For artistry, ambition and strong acting as a group, The 5 & Dime scores again, with a creative team that must be applauded not only for their execution but also for their aspiration.

The romance of this troupe must be weighed against the hardships that come from acting without a home. All of Jacksonville’s makeshift stages come with their impediments.

In the John Coffey production at the Museum of Science & History, the short stage proved a hindrance, though the gamble to use the Planetarium’s wizardry was inspired.

At the Cummer Museum of Art & Gardens, space is less of a problem, but the gallery-turned-stage loses its charm in a matinee — as light peeks in from those celebrated gardens.

Supporting players Josh Waller, Lindsay Curry and Larry Knight hold our gaze with every second they’re on stage, helping Clybourne Park overcome the chaos inherent in its script.

Local favorite Josh Waller — sure to be in the running for Best Actor in Folio Weekly’s Best of Jax contest (end shameless plug) — plays the segregationist Karl, the entitled protector of the Clybourne property values. Somehow, he injects humor into this offensive, racist character.

Curry hits every note with spot-on comedic timing in both roles — as Karl’s deaf wife Betsy in Act I and as the apologetic “I once dated a black man” Lindsey in Act II. The expressive and charming Knight delivers his own humor …   More