We’ve all heard the old saying “It must be something in the water” used to describe the particular and peculiar characteristics of a region. This saying is, of course, usually not meant to be taken literally. In the case of Jacksonville, however, there may actually be something to it.
That’s right, Jacksonville, we’ve yet again managed to make one of those lists — the ones that reveal the worst cities for something or other, usually rounded off into a tidy top-10 and then tossed around the Internet as something for you to read at work while avoiding your responsibilities. A lot of times these lists are completely arbitrary, based on flimsy citizen satisfaction polls, and are ultimately pointless Google Adsense bait, but this one concerns a scientific analysis of the make-up of our drinking water. You know, H2O, the essential building block of life and the molecule that makes up about 65 percent of our bodies? Yeah, it’s kind of a big deal.
From the Daily Finance:
"...some organizations and state environmental agencies that collect and analyze water data say the level of chemicals in some Americans' drinking water not only exceeds recommended health guideline but the pollutants even exceed the limits set by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), the national legal authority in these matters...."
10. Jacksonville, Fla. (JEA)
Located on the northeast coast of Florida, Jacksonville is the state's largest city. According to EWG (Environmental Working Group in D.C.), 23 different toxic chemicals were found in Jacksonville's water supply. The chemicals most frequently discovered in high volumes were trihalomethanes, which consist of four different cleaning byproducts -- one of which is chloroform. Many trihalomethanes are believed to be carcinogenic. Over the five-year testing period, unsafe levels of trihalomethanes were detected during each of the 32 months of testing, and …
Another home game for the Jacksonville Jaguars, another chance for Blake Bortles to make the leap. This game was the biggest start in his young career.
Why? Because the Dolphins are arguably the Jaguars’ biggest rivals, if for no other reason than proximity. And Dolphins QB Ryan Tannehill, in many ways, is an analog for Bortles: a young, up-and-down quarterback who can run if he needs to (both were top-five QB rushers coming in). Tannehill has looked increasingly sharp this year, but the jury was out on both of them coming into Sunday’s clash.
And it still is afterward. Tannehill was yet another quarterback who floundered in the face of an initially opportunistic Jags D (just 56 yards allowed in the first half). And Bortles? A dumpster fire. Yes, he threw two long touchdown passes. Both, however, went to Dolphins defenders.
Some missed opportunities for Jags’ offense were not on Bortles, such as the bomb Allen Robinson dropped on the first drive that should have been caught. For every one of those, though, there were things like the two pick-sixes — Bortles’ 11th and 12th of the year, even though he didn’t start until Week 4 — and the fumble in the second quarter. At times, especially on third down, he looked Gabbertesque. Except Gabbert never had a running back like Denard (apologies to MJD apologists).
The Jags opened up the route tree in the third quarter, going deep, which only exposed Bortles as the Dolphins stopped respecting the run and blitzed.
As the game progressed, Gus Bradley looked less and less like an NFL coach. More Tom Arnold than Tom Landry, Gus’ team once again looked outmatched in the second half. What was a winnable game at intermission was over long before the third quarter ended. Tannehill sharpened up as the fourth quarter commenced, one-liners and fart wafts filled the press box, and a “Let’s Go Dolphins” chant pervaded the cleaner air outside it.
On a day …
Although no one has been held accountable or disciplined in any way for the death of 19-year-old Daniel Linsinbigler in the Clay County Jail on March 12, 2013, the Clay County Sheriff’s Office has agreed to settle a federal civil rights lawsuit the Linsinbigler family filed for a seven-figure sum, according to Valerie Linsinbigler, Daniel’s mother.
At a mediation hearing at 9:30 a.m. on Friday, attorneys for the Linsinbiglers and Clay County will try to negotiate the terms of a settlement. Valerie Linsinbigler says that she knows such settlement agreements sometimes include gag orders that prohibit everyone from talking about the details of the case. That will be difficult for her, she says.
“It’s kind of a double-edged sword for me,” she tells Folio Weekly. “The last 20 months have literally taken the life out of me. Going to trial and all that stuff — every day it’s taken a little more.” But while going to trial offered the prospect of even more heartache, it also offered the potential for answers. Valerie wanted to hear from the Clay County deputies who were with Daniel when he suffocated to death while they were just a few feet away. She wanted them to explain why they didn’t intervene as he gasped for air.
Daniel, who was quite clearly mentally ill and in obvious need of more robust psychiatric care than his jailers bothered to offer — he’d been arrested during a psychotic break, while he was walking around an Orange Park motel naked and telling anyone who would listen that he was God — was pepper sprayed and removed from his cell in solitary confinement on March 12. He’d been placed in solitary on suicide watch after his arrest on March 2. After pepper-spraying him, deputies tied to a restraint chair and placed a spit hood over his head to contain the tears running down his face, the mucus pouring from his nostrils and the saliva running from his mouth in …
Related: The Night The Beatles Came to Town (and Almost Died Here)
If you can’t make out the handwriting in the above image, it says:
WHEN “SIR” PAUL COMES TO TOWN WHY DON’T YOU INTERVIEW HIM AND ASK HIM IF HE IS A GRADUATE OF TAVISTOCK INSTITUTE? HE’LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?
According to this impeachably reputable website we found through the Google machine, the relationship between The Beatles and Tavistock Institute to which our writer is referring goes something like this (take a deep breath … and … go):
The phenomenon of the Beatles was not a spontaneous rebellion by youth against the old social system. Instead it was a carefully crafted plot to introduce by a conspiratorial body which could not be identified, a highly destructive and divisive element into a large population group targeted for change against its will. New words and new phrases--prepared by Tavistock(1)-- were introduced to America along with the Beatles. Words such as "rock" in relation to music sounds, "teenager," "cool," "discovered" and "pop music" were a lexicon of disguised code words signifying the acceptance of drugs and arrived with and accompanied the Beatles wherever they went, to be "discovered" by "teenagers." Incidentally, the word "teenagers" was never used until just before the Beatles arrived on the scene, courtesy of the Tavistock Institute for Human Relations.
… Tavistock and its Stanford Research Center created trigger words which then came into general usage around "rock music" and its fans. Trigger words created a distinct new break-away largely young population group which was persuaded by social engineering and conditioning to believe that the Beatles really were their favorite group. All trigger words devised in the context of "rock music" were designed for mass control of the new targeted group, the youth of America.
The Beatles did a perfect job, or perhaps it would be …
Grab your guns, crank up the truck and blast the Skynyrd, Duval, cause the South is gon’ rise again! Well, sort of … and, OK, this time, we’re technically going to be the North … oh, and it’s not a secession, really … and it’s not really our idea, but … but … Free Bird!
The real issue at hand is that a group of politicians in South Miami are essentially sick and tired of the northern part of Florida leaving them out to dry (or actually the opposite of that) when it comes to climate change issues in the southern part of the state. In response, they’ve proposed a bold but completely Florida-esque solution: Split the state in half and create their own state of “South Florida,” which would thus become the 51st state … if you count both Dakotas, but really, what’s the point of that?
To answer your first question: no, this isn’t a story from The Onion. (This is, though.) This call for the legal separation of Florida into two separate states was actually cooked up — with delicious Cuban spices, I presume — by the mayor and city commission of South Miami. The threat of rising sea levels as a result of global warming, and the rest of the state’s blase attitude toward said crisis, was cited as the reason behind the proposal, which would slice Florida in half like a ripe grapefruit from approximately Orlando down.
Wait, Orlando? Oh no, you didn’t! You can take our beautiful Everglades National State Park away from us, but DO NOT FUCK with Mickey Mouse or our chintzy discount brand outlet stores!
From the Sun-Sentinel:
Orange County is particularly important because that's where the South Florida Water Management District begins, [Vice Mayor Walter] Harris said. It was even suggested that a Central Florida city could possibly be the state of South Florida's capitol.
Given the large number of Baptist churches here in North Florida, …
A disheartened University of Florida fan, appearently unhappy by the Gators’, shall we say, lackluster performance these last two years under Will Muschamp, has posted an ad on the Gainesville Craigslist looking for new head football coach candidates, and inviting serious prospects to contact Athletic Director Jeremy Fowler immediately.
If you would like to be considered, according to the ad, you should meet the following qualifications:
- Because UF is a DESTINATION coaching job, applicants must have ALREADY had head coaching experience. This is not a stepping stone job offering OJT or otherwise prepares you for another position in the NFL or other university in the future. If hired, you must be previously groomed to 1) Win consistently, 2) Stay for more than 4 seasons, and 3) have composure when roaming the sidelines. Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong... repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.
- To understand, embrace and embody the winning traditions associated with the University Of Florida. This includes winning games against in-conference rivals as well as the women's college (aka the clown college) down the road. Winning every single solitary game is not required (Bear Bryant didn't even win them ALL), but you must post a winning record against your key foes throughout your tenure as Head Football Coach.
- Ability to win games against glorified high schools and junior colleges, aka "cupcakes", especially when the contest is held on the university's own campus.
- To win football games in a manner that is not only acceptable on the scoreboard, but consistently impressive …
Last night, the roughly 7 percent of undecided Florida voters were “treated” to the second of three gubernatorial debates between former Gov. Charlie “The Tanned One” Crist and current Gov. Rick Scott, best known for his previous work as Harry Potter villain Voldemort. In typical Florida fashion, this debate featured what could have possibly been the most awkward start to a debate in the history of debates, which is pretty hard to do considering that debates are to awkwardness what baseball is to spitting. As many of you are by now aware, Rick Scott held up the start of the debate for several minutes by refusing to take the stage in protest of Charlie Crist having a fan under his podium in what is now being termed #fangate (because everyone’s so clever; FWIW, #fantrum is much better).
Scott’s campaign contended that Crist broke the rule that there were to be “no electronic devices” at the debate. While technically correct, as pointed out by the moderator, this was a bold move for someone who would have a hard time convincing a court that he is not a Disney animatron (LOL, j/k — we all know Scott isn’t an animatron; he’s obviously a reptilian). Perhaps Scott thought that the fan would unjustly help Crist appear cool and collected, or maybe the current gov wanted to throw Crist off his game by taking away his ever-present binky. Truth be told, Scott was probably just bitter because he wasn’t allowed to take onto the stage his own electric device of choice — a laser death ray.
As Scott continued to hold out, for about six minutes, a confused panel of moderators (including Times-Union editor Frank Denton) and a befuddled Crist were left on the Broward College stage wondering what the hell to do. The moderators were about to bust into their vaudeville routines, while Crist was considering running back and forth between the two podiums debating himself, which probably …
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
If you’re in Jacksonville and you like it, then you better put a ring on it; there may not be many more options for you. A recent Pew Research Center study shows that Jacksonville is the second-worst city in the nation when it comes to the ratio of employed single men to single women, at 70 to 100. And while it’s sexist to assume that men should always be the household breadwinner, this may help explain a little why your hardworking sister tolerates her lethargic, alcoholic, video-game-junkie loser of a boyfriend.
Coming in last just below J-ville? Memphis, with a 59-to-100 ratio of employed men to single women. Of course, this is not really a fair comparison, because while the unemployed men in Memphis are (presumably) cool blues players, here they’re George Zimmermans.
These statistics have to be frustrating for local ladies looking for a stable partner, but I have to be honest, they frustrate me as well. There’s nothing I love more (and by “love” I mean hate) than working a full-time job, writing for several area publications, and trying to start a business to make ends meet while supporting a wife and two kids and then taking stroll through 5 Points only to see the same people I've seen since high school trying their best to inconspicuously light up a J outside of Birdie's, having filled out nary a W-2 for over a decade. And how can they always afford $12 craft microbrews … and huge tattoos? Were my parents the only ones who didn’t purchase a trust fund for their children in the ’80s? But I digress.
OK, ladies, so you may be shit out of luck when it comes to finding the “perfect” (aka gainfully employed) man in Jacksonville, but love and marriage is not always about the financials, right? In light of this recent study, perhaps I can interest you in some of these colorful underemployed bachelors of our fair city, …
Editor's note: Last night two FW contributors, unbeknownest to each other, sent me their unsolicited thoughts on The Great Jaxson DeVille Imbroglio of 2014. Since they staked out decidedly different terrain — in this corner, Richard David Smith III, best known as the Juror Who Blew Up the Dunn Trial, arguing that it's pretty much the kind of lowball antics you’d expect from the Jags operation; in the other corner, AG Gancarski rising to Jaxson’s defense and saying we all need to chill the eff out a little — I mashed up their essays into one Flog post. You decide: Is this something we should get worked up about?
First up, RDSIII: Is it really that much of a surprise that this sort of thing comes from the Jacksonville Jaguars?
Our beloved Jacksonville Jaguars have once again made national headlines for all the wrong reasons. This time around it had nothing to do with on-the-field ineptitude or the trailer park treasure-style stadium amenities. No, sir, this time it was the goofiness on the sidelines that caught the attention of a flabbergasted worldwide sports media. The controversy started when an in-stadium photo was taken and sent to social media featuring Jaguars mascot Jaxson DeVille apparently attempting to take a stab at current-events humor by holding up a sign that read “Towels Spread Ebola,” a dig aimed at Pittsburgh Steelers fans — who show up in droves at Jags games — and the yellow and black Terrible Towels that they ferociously wave. The joke was ill-received and ill-timed considering the countless number of lives lost to Ebola in Africa and the current fear of the nasty virus spreading into a possibly uncontrollable outbreak in America, however unlikely and/or trumped-up that scenario actually is. The topic is certainly par for the course when it comes to edgy comedy platforms (see: recent Saturday Night Live), but for a mascot in a league that is perpetually trying to drive home …
UPDATE: As a result of this story, the schoolteacher referenced in this story has been dismissed from the jury.
Richard David Smith III is a name familiar to Folio Weekly readers, who saw his byline on almost a weekly basis a few years back. Last week, he came very close to serving on the latest Trial of the Century of the Week — the Michael Dunn retrial that tops our local news every evening. But it didn’t quite happen.
Smith spent three days at the courthouse for jury screening, a process he describes as “very long” and filled with “odd questions” from “too many lawyers trying to be comedians,” making “a lot of jokes about budget cuts.”
Some of those japes came from Angela Corey, who seems intent on improving her public image with this case. Folks on hand were treated to cornball quips like “I might break into song,” a joke she made while being told to hold the mic by the judge.
Many of the questions, Smith says, had to do with “race and gun ownership” — a trend reflected in the composition of the jury, many of whom have guns. It seemed to him — and to me — that the sweet spot in jury selection, those agreeable to prosecution and defense, led to a preponderance of gun owners with children. Given the fact that 10 of the 12 jurors are white, clearly there were factors other than race that came into play.
“I think the defense wanted white males, particularly gun owners,” he says. “I couldn’t quite figure out what the prosecution was looking for other than minorities and/or people with children.”
During the jury selection process, Smith asked for and received a private sidebar. When he divulged that he had written for Folio Weekly in the past, he says, “Angela Corey expressed great sensitivity to things that had been written about her there.” [Editor’s note: Ha.]
“She said, ‘you know …