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SIZE MATTERS (SOMETIMES) Wednesday, October 1
A court in Leer, Germany, ordered a medical examination of the manhood of Herbert O., 54, to help decide a criminal charge of exhibitionism. The man’s wife testified Herbert’s organ is “too short to hang out of [his] trousers,” as claimed by the victim of the flashing. The judge asked a local health official to make an exact measurement.
SAGITTARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
I’ve got two possible remedies for your emotional congestion. You might also want to make these two remedies part of your Halloween shtick. The first remedy is captured by the English word “lalochezia.” It refers to a catharsis that comes from uttering profane language. The second remedy is contained in the word “tarantism.”
CLUES AT THE SCENE Wednesday, October 1
Alfred J. Shropshire III was charged in June with burglarizing a home in Lakewood, Washington, identified by his having accidentally dropped at the scene a plaque from a local Mazda dealer naming Alfred J. Shropshire III Salesperson of the Month. John Martinez, 68, was arrested for allegedly robbing a Wells Fargo bank in Denver in July, having been identified by bank personnel who recalled the robber wore a black T-shirt with “John” on it and in part because video revealed a silver Honda registered to “John Martinez” was outside for a getaway.
Great cities aren’t cheap cities
CAPRICORN: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
You are at a point in your astrological cycle when you deserve to rake in the rewards that you have been working hard to earn. I expect you to be a magnet for gifts and blessings. The favors and compliments you have doled out will be returned to you. For all the strings you have pulled on behalf of others’ dreams, strings will now be pulled for you. Halloween costume suggestion: a beaming kid hauling around a red wagon full of brightly wrapped presents.
AQUARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
Two physicists in Massachusetts are working on technology that will allow people to shoot laser beams out of their eyes. For Halloween, I suggest that you pretend you have already acquired this superpower. It’s time for you to be brash and jaunty as you radiate your influence with more confidence.
PISCES: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
The African nation of Swaziland has passed a law prohibiting witches from flying their broomsticks any higher than 150 meters above ground. That will be a big problem for Piscean witches. There is currently an astrological mandate for them to swoop and glide and soar as high and free as they want to.
THE GREAT AMERICAN TRAILER PARK CHRISTMAS MUSICAL
Florida Selfies Wednesday, March 26
Spencer Toner, 79, was arrested for indecent exposure in a McDonald's parking lot in January in Bonita Springs, after a complainant said Toner was watching pornography on a laptop computer and masturbating (a downside of McDonald's early-on, …
FASHION FORWARD Wednesday, October 29
The Osiligi Maasai Warrior choir, from Kenya, in ornate, mystifying native costumes and uncalled-for headdresses, happened to be touring the U.K. this fall, coinciding with the recent Paris Fashion Week in which the most celebrated designers from the “developed” world exhibited their wares, which often seemed as excessive as the Maasais’.
 
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