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GEMINI: November 26-December 2 Wednesday, November 26
Are there certain influences you’d love to bring into your life, but can’t figure out how? Do you fantasize about getting access to new resources that would make everything better, but they seem to be forever out of reach? If you answered “yes,” it’s time to stop moping. You have more power than usual to reel in those desirable influences and resources. To fully capitalize on this power, be confident that you can attract what you need.
TAKE A LOAD OFF Wednesday, October 1
University of Arizona Medical Center surgeons removed a 47-pound tumor from a woman’s stomach in April — not even close to being the largest ever mentioned here, but likely the only such large tumor held in the arms of a member of the surgical team, as pictured in a post-op photo.
LIBRA: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
“The egromenious hilarity of psychadisical melarmy, whether rooted in a lissome stretch or a lusty wobble, soon defisterates into crabolious stompability. So why not be graffenbent?” So said Noah’s ex-wife Joan of Arc in her interview with St. Crocodile magazine. Heed Joan’s advice, please, Libra.
CANCER: November 26-December 2 Wednesday, November 26
Should you cut back and retrench? Definitely. Should you lop off and bastardize? Definitely not. Do I recommend you spend time editing and purifying?
WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD? Wednesday, October 1
A September report from Rhone, France, tells of a 33-year-old man sentenced to prison for 10 months for harassing his ex-girlfriend with 21,807 phone calls and texts over the 10 months following the split (a daily average of 73). The man insisted he only wanted the woman to say thanks for carpentry work he’d done on her apartment.
LEO: November 26-December 2 Wednesday, November 26
I know you’re beautiful; you know you’re beautiful. You could be even more beautiful. What do you think? Have you reached the limits? Or can you consider that there’s even more beauty dormant within you, ready to be groomed and expressed?
SCORPIO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
In AMC’s famous TV drama, a high school chemistry teacher responds to his awful luck by turning to a life of crime. The show’s title, Breaking Bad, refers to what happens when a good person cracks and veers over to the dark side. So then what does “breaking good” mean? Urbandictionary.com defines it like this: “When a criminal, junkie, or gang-banger gets sweet and sparkly, going to church, volunteering at soup kitchens, and picking the kids up from school.”
VIRGO: November 26-December 2 Wednesday, November 26
Helsinki, Finland is growing downward. By cutting out space in the bedrock below the city’s surface, farseeing leaders have made room to build shops, a data center, a hockey rink, a church, and a swimming pool. There are also projects underway to construct 200 more underground structures. Start working along those lines – at least metaphorically. Now’s a great time to renovate foundations to accommodate future growth.
SIZE MATTERS (SOMETIMES) Wednesday, October 1
A court in Leer, Germany, ordered a medical examination of the manhood of Herbert O., 54, to help decide a criminal charge of exhibitionism. The man’s wife testified Herbert’s organ is “too short to hang out of [his] trousers,” as claimed by the victim of the flashing. The judge asked a local health official to make an exact measurement.
SAGITTARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
I’ve got two possible remedies for your emotional congestion. You might also want to make these two remedies part of your Halloween shtick. The first remedy is captured by the English word “lalochezia.” It refers to a catharsis that comes from uttering profane language. The second remedy is contained in the word “tarantism.”
 
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