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SIZE MATTERS (SOMETIMES) Wednesday, October 1
A court in Leer, Germany, ordered a medical examination of the manhood of Herbert O., 54, to help decide a criminal charge of exhibitionism. The man’s wife testified Herbert’s organ is “too short to hang out of [his] trousers,” as claimed by the victim of the flashing. The judge asked a local health official to make an exact measurement.
CLUES AT THE SCENE Wednesday, October 1
Alfred J. Shropshire III was charged in June with burglarizing a home in Lakewood, Washington, identified by his having accidentally dropped at the scene a plaque from a local Mazda dealer naming Alfred J. Shropshire III Salesperson of the Month. John Martinez, 68, was arrested for allegedly robbing a Wells Fargo bank in Denver in July, having been identified by bank personnel who recalled the robber wore a black T-shirt with “John” on it and in part because video revealed a silver Honda registered to “John Martinez” was outside for a getaway.
Great cities aren’t cheap cities
THE GREAT AMERICAN TRAILER PARK CHRISTMAS MUSICAL
Florida Selfies Wednesday, March 26
Spencer Toner, 79, was arrested for indecent exposure in a McDonald's parking lot in January in Bonita Springs, after a complainant said Toner was watching pornography on a laptop computer and masturbating (a downside of McDonald's early-on, …
At least we have Allen Hurns
CANCER: August 6-12 Wednesday, August 6
A New York doctor offers a service he calls Pokertox. Jack Berdy injects Botox into poker players’ faces to make their expressions hard to read. With facial muscles paralyzed, they’re in no danger of betraying subtle emotional signals that might help opponents guess their strategy. There might be value in adopting a poker face when you’re trying to win at poker or other games. But for the foreseeable future, take the opposite approach. You’re likely to be successful if you reveal everything you feel. Let your face and eyes be eloquent
TAURUS: September 10-16 Wednesday, September 10
As far as I know, there’s been only one battleship in all of history named for a poet. A hundred years ago, the Italian navy manufactured a dreadnought with triple-gun turrets, calling it Dante Alighieri, after the medieval genius who wrote Divine Comedy.
SCORPIO: August 6-12 Wednesday, August 6
A teenage Pakistani boy decided he wanted to help his country’s government clean up the local Internet. Ghazi Muhammad Abdullah made a list of over 780,000 porn sites and sent it to the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority. Big job! Hard work! I’d love you to summon similar levels of passion and diligence as you work on behalf of your favorite cause. The weeks ahead are prime time to get excited about changes you’d like to help create.
GEMINI: September 10-16 Wednesday, September 10
If you go to a convenience store and order a Double Big Gulp drink, be prepared to absorb 40 teaspoons of sugar. What’s an even greater challenge to your body is the sheer amount of fluid you have to digest: 50 ounces. Fact is, your stomach can’t easily accommodate more than 32 ounces at a time.
 
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