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SCORPIO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
In AMC’s famous TV drama, a high school chemistry teacher responds to his awful luck by turning to a life of crime. The show’s title, Breaking Bad, refers to what happens when a good person cracks and veers over to the dark side. So then what does “breaking good” mean? Urbandictionary.com defines it like this: “When a criminal, junkie, or gang-banger gets sweet and sparkly, going to church, volunteering at soup kitchens, and picking the kids up from school.”
SAGITTARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
I’ve got two possible remedies for your emotional congestion. You might also want to make these two remedies part of your Halloween shtick. The first remedy is captured by the English word “lalochezia.” It refers to a catharsis that comes from uttering profane language. The second remedy is contained in the word “tarantism.”
CAPRICORN: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
You are at a point in your astrological cycle when you deserve to rake in the rewards that you have been working hard to earn. I expect you to be a magnet for gifts and blessings. The favors and compliments you have doled out will be returned to you. For all the strings you have pulled on behalf of others’ dreams, strings will now be pulled for you. Halloween costume suggestion: a beaming kid hauling around a red wagon full of brightly wrapped presents.
AQUARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
Two physicists in Massachusetts are working on technology that will allow people to shoot laser beams out of their eyes. For Halloween, I suggest that you pretend you have already acquired this superpower. It’s time for you to be brash and jaunty as you radiate your influence with more confidence.
PISCES: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
The African nation of Swaziland has passed a law prohibiting witches from flying their broomsticks any higher than 150 meters above ground. That will be a big problem for Piscean witches. There is currently an astrological mandate for them to swoop and glide and soar as high and free as they want to.
CANCER: August 6-12 Wednesday, August 6
A New York doctor offers a service he calls Pokertox. Jack Berdy injects Botox into poker players’ faces to make their expressions hard to read. With facial muscles paralyzed, they’re in no danger of betraying subtle emotional signals that might help opponents guess their strategy. There might be value in adopting a poker face when you’re trying to win at poker or other games. But for the foreseeable future, take the opposite approach. You’re likely to be successful if you reveal everything you feel. Let your face and eyes be eloquent
ROUTINE CLAIMS Wednesday, October 29
When a van on official business for the city of St. Paul, Minnesota, accidentally hit Megan Campbell’s Nissan Pathfinder in August, Campbell, naturally, filed a claim against the city for the $1,900 damage — normally just a cost of business for a city and one of about 400 claims St. Paul has processed this year.
TAURUS: September 10-16 Wednesday, September 10
As far as I know, there’s been only one battleship in all of history named for a poet. A hundred years ago, the Italian navy manufactured a dreadnought with triple-gun turrets, calling it Dante Alighieri, after the medieval genius who wrote Divine Comedy.
SCORPIO: August 6-12 Wednesday, August 6
A teenage Pakistani boy decided he wanted to help his country’s government clean up the local Internet. Ghazi Muhammad Abdullah made a list of over 780,000 porn sites and sent it to the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority. Big job! Hard work! I’d love you to summon similar levels of passion and diligence as you work on behalf of your favorite cause. The weeks ahead are prime time to get excited about changes you’d like to help create.
GEMINI: September 10-16 Wednesday, September 10
If you go to a convenience store and order a Double Big Gulp drink, be prepared to absorb 40 teaspoons of sugar. What’s an even greater challenge to your body is the sheer amount of fluid you have to digest: 50 ounces. Fact is, your stomach can’t easily accommodate more than 32 ounces at a time.
 
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