Wrap It Up

What some locals truly need for Christmas

Christmas is next week; so is Kwanzaa. As a rule, I avoid participating in major holidays (I’m counting the days until National Grilled Cheese Day, though). But that doesn’t mean I don’t imagine the presents I would give. Here, then, are some gifts I would hand out to some well-known locals and businesses. I mean, it’s the thought that counts, right?
Mayor Alvin Brown: I can’t decide which he needs more, a thesaurus or a sense of humor
Mrs. Mayor Alvin Brown: what does one get an invisible woman?
Fred Durst: a trip in a time machine back to 1999 when anyone actually cared about Limp Bizkit
Blood Alliance: as much A-negative blood as they need so they can stop stalking me 
Capt. Sorensen of Firehouse Subs: a restraining order against me 
Public Defender Matt Shirk: a good divorce attorney, preferably one who has never worked at Whisky River and doesn't like to take showers
Jaguars QB Blaine Gabbert: a one-way ticket ... anywhere, really
Grandpa’s Cough Medicine: a night off (seriously, do these guys play every event in town or what?)
Times-Union restaurant writer Gary T. Mills: a year of home pest control service because having to write about roaches is bad enough
Riverside Publix: a parking lot that does not promote grocery shopping rage

PGA player Jim Furyk
: a mulligan for his closest-to-the-pin loss to Jaxson de Ville at a recent  Jags halftime event (though, as a high-ranking member of #TeamFuryk, I like to think Jimmy did it on purpose just so everyone at the game could get a free order of Papa John's cheesesticks)
Action News sports anchor Dan Hicken: a ladder to come down from his pedestal
Musician J. Dash: a major recording contract, Grammy Award and official fan club that I can be president of
U.S. Rep. Corinne Brown: a hat, duh
And finally to downstairs neighbors: heavy-duty earplugs (unfortunately, Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones are not in my Christmas budget) for my frequent binge-listening of one song on repeat for hours, not to mention my pitchy singing 

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