THE SPECKTATOR

Wrap It Up

What some locals truly need for Christmas

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Kerry Speckman shares her unique perspective and observations on people, places and events on the First Coast and beyond. She also holds the World Record for Fastest 15K Completed While Continuously Twirling a Baton, so she's got that going for her.

For more comings and goings around town, follow Kerry on Twitter and Facebook.

Christmas is next week; so is Kwanzaa. As a rule, I avoid participating in major holidays (I’m counting the days until National Grilled Cheese Day, though). But that doesn’t mean I don’t imagine the presents I would give. Here, then, are some gifts I would hand out to some well-known locals and businesses. I mean, it’s the thought that counts, right?
Mayor Alvin Brown: I can’t decide which he needs more, a thesaurus or a sense of humor
 
Mrs. Mayor Alvin Brown: what does one get an invisible woman?
 
Fred Durst: a trip in a time machine back to 1999 when anyone actually cared about Limp Bizkit
 
Blood Alliance: as much A-negative blood as they need so they can stop stalking me 
 
Capt. Sorensen of Firehouse Subs: a restraining order against me 
 
Public Defender Matt Shirk: a good divorce attorney, preferably one who has never worked at Whisky River and doesn't like to take showers
 
Jaguars QB Blaine Gabbert: a one-way ticket ... anywhere, really
 
Grandpa’s Cough Medicine: a night off (seriously, do these guys play every event in town or what?)
 
Times-Union restaurant writer Gary T. Mills: a year of home pest control service because having to write about roaches is bad enough
 
Riverside Publix: a parking lot that does not promote grocery shopping rage

PGA player Jim Furyk
: a mulligan for his closest-to-the-pin loss to Jaxson de Ville at a recent  Jags halftime event (though, as a high-ranking member of #TeamFuryk, I like to think Jimmy did it on purpose just so everyone at the game could get a free order of Papa John's cheesesticks)
 
Action News sports anchor Dan Hicken: a ladder to come down from his pedestal
Musician J. Dash: a major recording contract, Grammy Award and official fan club that I can be president of
U.S. Rep. Corinne Brown: a hat, duh
And finally to downstairs neighbors: heavy-duty earplugs (unfortunately, Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones are not in my Christmas budget) for my frequent binge-listening of one song on repeat for hours, not to mention my pitchy singing 

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