Warning: This column will disgust you.
It's supposed to.
Want to kick your enemies' butts but are afraid to do it yourself? No prob. The cops will do it for you for free. Here's how:
Invite your enemy, unarmed, to a party. Have two confederates there, equipped with cellphone cams. Set these to snap stills or take video. Turn off the audio, since non-consensual speech recording is a felony.
Make nicey-nice. Offer the enemy some fine Schedule I (illegal) or Schedule II and III (prescription) narcotics. For a chaser, serve a well-iced adult beverage. Smile. Stick to beer or wine yourself. After 30 minutes, when things are buzzy-fuzzy, whisper into your enemy's ear the appropriate racial or ethnic slur or use an all-purpose line such as "Your wife purred like a kitten [or your husband roared like a lion] when I … "
Cameras up, gang. Here it comes!
If you're lucky, the stooge will land a haymaker and the evil minx a swipe with the nails or the purse. Take it on the puss if you can. Faces bleed well, and turn usefully purple, without too much damage. If you get a shove, fall back, then hit the floor — softly. Screech out, "My back!" Once is enough. Once the fracas is fried onto memory cards, exit, stage left, el quick-o.
Drive directly to an emergency room to generate written records. Make sure the docs take photos of bruises and lacerations. The next morning, march down to the Florida State Attorney's office and swear out a complaint. Keep it simple, keep it corroborated and make sure your story tracks with the photos and video. Within a week, the state will issue a warrant, and your enemy will be on ice.
Invite your despised ex-husband or lover to a party. See the paragraph above about drugs and booze. When the desired chemical confusion is attained, invite the ex to a back room for old times' sake. Now, off with the clothes, off with the lights and let nature take its course.
When what's going to happen happens, shut down the show, re-clothe and boogie to Shands. On the way, stop in a place with no witnesses. Smack your forehead against a tree to generate non-lethal bleeding. With a stick or a truck tire bat, tune yourself up on the back of the shoulders and on the upper thighs. Do not whack your innards, your head or your joints.
You don't want to top yourself!
At the ER, say, "I was raped." Keep the story simple: "He wanted it. … I said no. … He hurt me." When the DNA swabs tell their tale, the constabulary will deploy. That Rat will be dragged Downtown in chains and nailed into a tight little frame.
When enemies visit your house, note what they touch, especially shiny surfaces. Once they leave, and after a decent interval, dial the three-digit number. Say, "I was robbed!" or "Somebody ripped me off!"
Don't use the word "burglary." Only cops and insurance adjusters say that.
The "stolen" goods you list need to be small and portable. Say that the bad guys swiped cash, jewelry or those gold Double Eagles you've been stashing in the coffee can for retirement.
When the cops come, they will ask, "Do you have receipts?" Of course not! You inherited this stuff or bought it for cash. Important: Make sure the people who "bequeathed" this treasure to you are officially and unequivocally deceased. It doesn't matter that the written will doesn't track. These were personal gifts from Grandma and Grampy, remember?
It's OK to cry a bit when you make your statement, but don't overdo it. Once the evidence techs pull your enemies' prints, it's jail time for Johnnie or Jane.
When the dust settles on these scams, don't forget to file insurance claims. The carriers will pay you several large bills, minimum, just to make you vanish.
By now you ask, "Don't cops know they get played to settle scores or to generate an edge in civil litigation?" Of course they do! The problem is that they don't care. The detectives who investigate these things are not paid to do justice or to discover truth. They are paid, evaluated and promoted, for clearing cases. There's no penalty if they make mistakes. So what if a few falsely accused citizens are in the sneezer? A judge will sort things out one of these days — or not.
"Can't you get caught for lying to police?" Maybe, but your jeopardy is minimal. The crimes for which you're framing your enemies are felonies. Filing a false police report is only a misdemeanor. It's rarely prosecuted. Even if it is, you might get a stern lecture from a judge and some chump time on probation.
I've encountered all these enormities too many times while working for defense attorneys and writing books on criminal justice. They never cease to nauseate. I've run out of tears for the innocents I couldn't help who are doing hard time in hard cells in the sun-blasted prisons of the Sunshine State.
I'm glad my grandmothers are dead. They wouldn't want to know about the dark precincts where envy, jealousy, hatred and greed tarnish justice and foul immortal souls,
In Crime City.