ARIES: Oct. 16-22


ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is an indelicate oracle. If you're offended by the mention of bodily functions in a prophetic context, STOP READING NOW. Still here? OK. I was walking in my neighborhood when I spied an older woman standing over her aged Yorkshire Terrier next to a bush. The dog was in discomfort, squatting and shivering but unable to relieve himself. "He's having trouble getting his business done," his owner confided. "He's been struggling for 10 minutes." I felt sympathy for the distressed creature. With a flourish, I said, "More power to you, little one. May you purge your burden." The dog instantly defecated. Shrieking her approval, the lady exclaimed, "It's like you waved a magic wand!" Now I invoke my wizardry on your behalf, though less literally: "More power to you. May you purge your psychological burden."

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